for all the single ladies: a survival guide to that day in February that celebrates love and makes you hate everything.

Oh yes, I did.  A post about what the title says this post is about.  I’m going to bring up Valentine’s Day.  Not in a “self-loathing, tweet bitterly about the day as a plot to bring about awareness on how single you are” way.  No.  I’m going to help any single people that might still exist get through it.  My hope is that because you read this, you won’t consider stealing your colleagues’ flowers off their desk to turn into potpourri.  The flowers that were delivered to your office space and you waited to know who they were delivered for with anxiety even though you’re not technically dating anyone.  Maybe for one second you convinced yourself they could be from an admirer or that guy that you think is cute but have never spoken to.  It’s ok.  This is a safe place.  You can admit it.  Or, you can leave me all alone like an asshole.  I hope you can sleep at night.  Shame on you.

Anyway, because I have been unattached on February 14th since 1985, I am a self-proclaimed expert.  So just trust me and take heed of the following commandments:

Thou shalt not…

  • Get on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or any other means of stalking the lives of people.  This is not permitted.  People are in love and they’re going to tell everyone about it.  If you happen upon these vices, do not scroll through posts.  Contribute posts of absolutely ridiculous things.  That picture of the inside of your pocket?  Post it.  That Ludacris lyric that is stuck in your head and may or may not include the word “hoe”?  Post it.  Your life matters.  And by all means:  browsing through pictures of the guy you used to like that has recently gotten married while you cry and eat a pint of ice cream benefits no one.  Shut that shit down.
  • Plan a big night of watching Twilight and eating take-out with a large group of single girls.  Well-intentioned as it might be, you have become “that girl”.  Don’t give the day such a power over you that you feel the need to distract yourself from reality by planning a party and digesting so much MSG that you’re bloated for 5 days.  It’s a day like any other.  Treat it as such and do what you do:   just sit on the couch and eat Nutella by yourself.  It’s going to be fine.  Really.
  • Go to a department store and smell men’s cologne.  This, I haven’t done.  But it’d be really weird, so don’t.
  • Spend your night writing in your journal about your future husband who looks great in plaid.  Nor should you tweet about him.  It’s on the verge of strange, but you spin it with just enough humor to get away with it.  But tonight, just don’t.  (Ok fine, that one was more personally directed.)
  • Drink a whole bottle of wine.  Know your limits.  What is the amount of wine you can safely consume before you’re scrolling through your phone for a guy that has nothing interesting to talk about besides his trip to the gym and 11th grade glory days as a member of the garage band “Turd Munchers’?  Stop there.  And, girl, please cut yourself off before you’re ugly crying about Benjamin from the 1st grade who you feel just totally understood you.

With all of these “don’t”s, I’m sure you’re immediately feeling bored.  “Coby.  What am I supposed to do all day?” you ask.  It’s simple.  Do whatever the hell you usually do.  Someday you’re going to be in a relationship so loving and awesome that one day of the year to celebrate it won’t matter.  You’ll be flirting all the time.  And when you’re married, you’ll be having a lot of sex.  There’s nothing you can do about it now.  Valentine’s Day is lame.  Just hang out.  And if you find yourself really, really lost, 2/14 is also my grandma’s birthday. I’ll give you her digits and you can text her.  She texts back.

2 thoughts on “for all the single ladies: a survival guide to that day in February that celebrates love and makes you hate everything.

  1. hilarious, as always. 🙂 and it’s also my brother’s birthday. birthdays? eh, their birthday. but they most certainly don’t text back.

  2. Freak…I wish I would have read this on Valentine’s day to laugh at while moseying through the airport, but alas, here I am. Crack me up Cobes. Best part – your grandma’s digits.

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